Wednesday, November 28, 2007

:::...Missed You Today...:::

Was listening to "Ocean Size Love"...suddenly remembered the video "Why did you go away like you had never been there in the first place?"...........I could never answer this question........or may be I should say I never answered this question.....I let my best friend go away from my life with a lot of grudges.... Life is very dull....and somehow am as lost as ever....nothing interests me anymore.....a blank space in my heart...where nothing and none can reach emptiness that's guarding my life carefully.......I find the solace in books....or do I at all??? For years and years none would find this answer... It's not like i never cared for you, you know that...and nothing's right and happy on this coast either... love is such a demon. Not that i never cared....... it's more like reality, the mater equalizer... go back to your own earlier letters, you will see that you knew about it much before it actually set in, much before you were carried away by fantasy... But I missed you today..........


Sometimes I victimize myself with over-sensitivity . . . . But it's only because I truly care..... My abducted dreams are cracked but not broken yet, defeated but not crushed.....a taste of love through confused gaze, dead but not yet buried, the flame is still burning in fantasies, still longing or lost, even I don’t know…..

Poems have been written, songs have been written, pictures have been painted, plays have been staged, movies have been made and our whole life revolves around it....EMOTIONS!!!!!!

That's what we are and will be...........

Silent screams echoing inside my soul.........fading at the edges..........and life never gives you a second i wish it would though....this time I wouldn't do anything that I did before....this time it would be anything that you say Farhan.........I miss you with each breath that I take........but you would never know that.........

:::...Being Unhappy...:::

After being on earth for so long, the journey now somehow away from the over inhabited land...far and far ....fear....confusions....ecstasy...instability....need and repulsion.....INCOMPREHENSIBLE!!!!!! Wish I left out all the restraints on earth and enjoyed the looseness.....

Words are suffocating inside me.....unable to find an exit to I that lost and confused?? A constant struggle inside me trying to understand the thin line between fake and real!!!
I still can feel the cold palm within mine.......that never want to leave you grip.....and her last words.....which couldn't find an exit either........for years I would keep wondering though .....what was that she wanted to say! I couldn't cry..........not a drop.........funny I have cried enough in past for every small loss!!!!!! Couldn't trust this could happen to me.........took me days to even accept the fact that she is not around........she told me "the world is not so black and white as you think it need to paint it as and when required to keep it flowing" ..........and I always failed miserably...........on canvas i will perfectly blend the colours in minutes...........but alas!!!!
There are so many reasons to cry.........and I end up crying for the wrong many dreams to chase and I always chase the unsought one much to achieve but I always look for the many stars over there but I want to see what is there in the dark!!!! So many paths open and still I fail to find my much happiness around and I end up being unhappy!!!!!

:::...Again N For Good...:::

I will release the chocked words today....
It took me good some days before I could gather the words that I wanted to write you...and in my mind I have thought a thousand thoughts which probably I would not be able to convey ever to you.....but till I can say it am not free....I have to put my love in grave and move forward....have to bid you the last goodbye..... I told you there can be a moment in life when I start getting this feeling and I leave at the point when you least expect me to do it...........reached that point ........I have always accused you of many things, have said things I never meant, have said things I meant......I fought...i screamed...i cried...i loved ....but all for the reason , I wanted to be with much as anyone could ever wish ,loved you with all the passion I could gather...with all my being.........but then love wasn't enough I can see....
Had the most amazing time of my life with you baby........and you were the best support one could ever think of at the moment of crisis....would never be able to forget you either for different reasons, but mainly cause you filled me up at the time when i was so empty..............I don't know how I will ever get over you but then I have to ...I know that.... I have no idea how life would be without you...and it aches my heart to even think that we couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel together :)I wouldn't give you the reason what made me feel so bad.......I will carry the blame with me while parting from you.....It was a wonderful journey though........and will leave all my good wishes for you.......
Notes to myself : I Called it Off “again and for good”And when she asked me about love, I said “I suck”, could have blamed her or love itself for it, but thought it is iniquitous.Or may be all our life this will remain unresolved who left whom...May be you cannot see me but I'm always here.. come can feel me... Expand your hands and reach out for me…you are not able to touch me!! you can touch my heart...feel the beats... a touch not soon forgotten. I am here…ready to suffer…willing to absorb the hurts from those who seem to care.You might feel am probably just talking to myself...trying to convince myself only......tearing and stitching my mind and heart time and again......

:::...Candle Burns...:::

"My candle burns at both ends It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - It gives a lovely light." Yes.... life is complicated.....who knows what happens when.....sometimes we don't know what we want ourselves......all the more reason to have some sort of structure dictated to us by society......only thing you have to ensure is that you don't get bogged down by the rules......remember rule is can always bend them a little how much....that is the problem. It is not really a question of being dishonest....we all have needs of some sort.....and opportunities...if they arise, we either take them or we don't...............I really can't judge people who stray because I have strayed myself................I only hope I never have to make the choice......but I can't adopt a judgemental attitude about it...... I think that everyone is fallible ...they just need different amounts of inducements at the times in their lives when they are most vulnarable...... Who knows what is the thin line between right and wrong, where exactly the right ends and where exactly the wrong starts....we all trust in absolute possession.....and hence.......... this troubled mind, troubled heart and troubled life!!!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

:::...I Feel Alive...:::

Freedom is when you have nothing left to lose.......expose yourself to your worse fear and then you have nothing left to be afraid matter what there is always a tomorrow......leave it when you can't bear it anymore....
Had a wonderful day after such a long truly blessed when it comes to good friends, I have the best of the lots who would stand by me in all thick n thins.......whole day there was music , music and more music......played guitar with such passion after a decade looks like......i feel alive.......I was falling short of breaths and now they have lend me a long breath to give me to make me feel alive.......
Oh life!!! How I love you!!!!!
I was taught to dream: Therefore, am the king of my imaginary planet, I am a heck of daydreamer, I live my life the way I want no matter how irrational/inconsistent it may look to anyone else, I believe in fairy tales and I always make sure people understands they are way different from love stories, I believe in Incarnation, I make things up for myself when needed, I choose my battles and quit when I feel they are not worth fighting…I chase my dreams and will keep chasing them.
Now,If little by little you stop loving meI shall stop loving you little by little.If suddenly you forget me do not look for me,for I shall already have forgotten you.If you think it long and mad,the wind of bannersthat passes through my life,and you decideto leave me at the shoreof the heart where I have roots,rememberthat on that day,at that hour,I shall lift my armsand my roots will set offto seek another land

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

:::...Waiting For Life...:::

And we wait for such things that are already in our hands. Blinded by the ignorance we grace. Longing for something more, yet there is nothing better out there. We make remarks that burn into peoples minds. Things so painful that you see them looking down from amazing heights. And love such a strong word for how often it is used. The line of deceit. A single breath on his/her neck sends messages up and down their spine. that maybe what they say is true, yet a kiss of lust is more misleading than a kiss of care. A tree swaying back in forth, flaunting the leaves that shine with life can be so comforting though to much force and the beauty can become to much. Like the ocean gathering at the rocks, so gentle though no one sees the power beneath her waves. Just one look in the mirror can seem like forever, but really it is just a glance. A glance where so much can be seen by the naked eye. Than a long observance against a reflection. The smallest imperfection lingering in the bluest of eyes, And a touch of crimson on the wrist. The candles flickering grows upon darkness creating a shadow followed by a hint of light. Revealing that sadness can be veiled by a smile. Time is only a word when you rush, though it seems it will never end when you are patiently waiting. Warm tears can fall down ones features but never be known by even the truest of friends. Cold hands, warm hearts, it plays a role in the auditions for whom will fake their happiness the best. His love, her love can fall into endless depths if it isn’t given the chance to soar. Spreading its wings so far that not even the heaven can stop it now. The stars twinkling so bright. But meaning so much more than just a pretty piece of the sky. Filled with wishes and prayers that may never be heard. He longs to be brought to life, she begs for an end. With a new meaning he walks the line, with a misunderstood heart she struggles to the ledge. A dagger and a sword compared to one another, one may be smaller but nothing says it holds a greater power. They each have a blade that can cut through, they both have a grip in which a man or woman can handle with evil or good. Either can kill a man or leave them wounded. Such as a heart no matter whom it belongs to it can be broken, it can be bled dry, but most of all it can be fixed. Fixed by a happiness that is unexpected or a new love that is willing to give their all to reveal your dreams.......

:::...I Love You...:::

I love you
Since I have not learnt anything other than loving you...
Since the sky is blue and the sun rises in the east...
Since it rains in monsoon and summers are always hot,
Since the earth revolves around the sun...

I love you
Because I usually sleep late at night but never fail to wake up early,
And saying my morning prayers is a routine for me,
Because I need my morning tea with milk,and I add extra sugar,
And I always forget to have my breakfast!

I love you
like I have a habit of reading a book on subways,
like I often get a speed ticket while driving,
like I drink water before I go to bed every night,
Like I pen down my thoughts which otherwise I fail to express...

I love you
Since I don't want anyone else to love you.....

I love you
Because of the way you call out my name"Farhan"!!
Because of the way you say nothing at all when much should be said!!
Because of the way you forget to have your meals!!
Because your timing sense wrecks my nerves always!!!

I love you
Since when I wake up in the morning you are the one who flashes on my mind first,
Since when I go to bed I fall asleep while dreaming about you,
Since I am afraid of the darkness and I can't sleep in the light,
Since this is the simplest thing I have ever learnt in life....

I love you
Because you have made me fall in love with myself,
you have made me feel so special always,
you don't let others exist in my life,
you surround me like a breeze even when you are not around....

I love you
As you keep me occupied each minute of the day,
As you make me dream even though my life is a mess,
As you add music in my life even when you are not playing,
As you say "good night" to me at 4 a.m early morning!!!!!!!

I love you
As this story was meant to start like a fairy tale,
As we met suddenly one September night,
As I snatched the moments out of the crowd!
As I was destined to love you....

I love you,
As I had to bring that man out of his shell,
As I had to show the man this world is beautiful,
As I had to tell the man this is what love is,
As I had to offer the man 'myself'....

I love you since
I am helpless in my love for you.
I am hopelessly devoted to you.
I have not learnt anything but to love you............

I love you
Since if I do not, I have to be born again ..........

Thursday, November 1, 2007

:::....Bitter Truth....:::

Love Neva dies a NatuRal Death.It dies Coz we Dont Know How To Replenish.Its Source. It dies Coz Blindness And Errors n betrayls. It Dies Of Illness n Wounds. It dies of Weariness, of withering, of tarnishing together.